The Way She Saw Love
by bookdiva
Summary: Booth finds Bones asleep with a notebook across her lap describing her veiw on love over their partnership to now. Please review if you would like me to continue. If I don't get reviews, I won't continue. Thanks, and may Booth find his brains soon!
1. Chapter 1

He walked into her office and found Bones sitting on her couch, eyes closed. He didn't make a sound. Their partnership had been strained lately, no matter what he told himself. Hannah didn't help matters. He took a step toward her in the office, then decided against waking her; opting instead to give the papers to Angela to give to her. But then, a single tear ran down her cheek. Booth started.

_Is she crying? _he wondered. She couldn't be; his Bones didn't cry. Then he noticed a notebook lying closed on her lap. With the skill of a sniper, he crossed the room and picked it up. Sitting in her desk chair, he began to read.

_Booth believes in love. I certainly do not. Love is just chemicals in the brain caused by physical attraction. How can such an intelligent man believe in such an irrational thing? If he has been relying on his 'gut' for all of his beliefs, then his reasoning must be flawed._

That was all that was on the page. Flipping to the middle, he recognized a date as the day that he had found Bones buried alive,

_I wrote him a letter. It was completely irrational, entirely selfish of me. But I didn't want to die without him knowing. Now that I realize how selfish it was, I'm burning it. He deserves the perfect life; a wife, a dog, a white picket fence…he deserves that. And no matter what I may want, no matter what I feel (though certainly not love as that does not exist), he deserves that. _

Booth was astounded. He turned to the next page and read,

_Booth thinks he loves me. He thinks that I should take the risk. Risk everything that we have together; everything that I have with him. And that's all that I have. Nothing else really matters without him. And with every selfish bone in my body (that was a metaphor) I wanted to risk it…even if for just one night…no matter the cost to myself. But it would cost him too much. I am not good enough for him. He deserves his white picket fence. He deserves happiness._

From a week before she left Maluku,

Love is real. I cannot believe it! (That was a joke) I cannot wait to tell Booth. He was right, love is real. Being away from him, hearing myself through his perspective (another impossibility in reality, but I was imagining) I realized that though I'd never be good enough for him, I would try to be until the day he decided he didn't want me. I cannot wait to finally tell him; I believe in love, and I love him.

Turning to the last page with her writing, the one that bore today's date, he read

_ I have concluded that I was wrong. Love is no more than chemicals designed to destroy the metaphorical soul of a human. 'Love', such as Booth tried to teach me about, is a myth. He said that love was unconditional and accepts people as they are, but he couldn't love me through my skepticism. He said that love was patient, but he has Hannah. He said that he loved me, then he left me. All this evidence has led me to the conclusion that love does not exist as anything more than chemicals in the brain. _

Booth felt as if his heart was being ripped out. So many truths hit him at the same time.

Bones loved him. She'd said so in her writing.

She had been willing to open her mind to the idea that his version of love existed. All the proof he needed of that was in the fact that she had started the journal.

She believed she wasn't good enough for him. She thought she couldn't make him happy.

He was a completely moronic idiotic fool of an existence. He couldn't even call himself a man. He had known how hard it was for her to let anyone in; he knew how her defenses worked. Hadn't he spent years trying to weasel his way around them? He was the reason she no longer believed in love. Because he was the only one she'd trusted her heart to and he had left her.

Booth looked over at his partner, still in her office at 6 p.m. with no obvious intent to go home. Before, he would have stopped by to make sure she wasn't working herself to death, and then he would take her out to dinner. Where had that Booth gone?

Tears continued to fall down her face while she slept and tears formed in his eyes too.

_How could you? _he asked himself. It was more of an accusation. _How could you? _

Looking down at the notebook in his hands, then up at his partner's face, he felt smaller than he had ever felt before. He loved her. He still loved her. He was _in love_ with her. Sure, he loved Hannah, she was so much like Bones, it was hard not to. But he wasn't _in love_ with her; and she wasn't in love with him, either.

_How could you? _he repeated again. _But more importantly, what are you going to do about it?_


	2. Chapter 2

What was he going to do about it indeed? Looking at her, her face streaked with tears, he began to understand what she had been going through the past few months. He also understood for the first time that he was responsible for it. He didn't know who he had become, but he knew what he had to do. Standing, he walked out the door and ran into Angela.

"Oh! Booth, I didn't realize you were here. What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I just had some paperwork to give to Bones, but she's asleep in her office. I was going to stop by your house to give them to you. I didn't want to wake her." He sounded guilty even to his own ears.

"She forgot," she said in a soft voice. At his confused look she explained, "Brennan and I have plans tonight; girl's night out! It has been awhile. I was supposed to pick her up at her apartment, but she wasn't there. I figured, with…what she's been through lately, that she'd forgotten and was still at work. You know her, that's how she copes…" she trailed off.

Booth noticed her stumble and her nervousness, and if he hadn't just had the epiphany of a life time, he might have pushed Angela to find out what she meant. Or maybe he wouldn't have pushed. He really didn't know what the new Booth would have done; but he knew what the old Booth would have done. But now he already knew what she had been about to say was 'with all that you've put her through'.

Booth just nodded and tried to force a smile onto his face.

"Well, here," he said handing the papers in his hands to Angela. She looked at them, then looked up at him with a question in her eyes.

"Is that Brennan's notebook?" she asked motioning to the notebook, still in his hands.

"Yeah, she gave it…she said…it was meant for me. Some kind of experiment she wanted me to see or something."

"Oh. Well. That's odd. She never let me look in that notebook. Said it was pointless or irrational or something like that."

"Yeah, well…you know how Bones is about her squinty stuff. I'd better get going, there's something I need to do," Booth said hurriedly. Angela's expression hardened and the look in her eyes startled Booth.

"That's right _Seeley_," she hissed out his name, "you go have fun with Hannah, taking Parker to the Science Museum."

"What's wrong with taking Parker to the Museum? And how did you know we were doing that tonight?" he wondered. She was right; he and Hannah had planned on taking Parker to the museum, until Rebecca had called that morning to tell him that Parker was sick and couldn't go. Angela looked at him for a moment, then shook her head disgusted.

"If you looked, you could tell that she has changed. She is so much more open now, but you are too much of a heel to see it. I asked her why she hadn't called to postpone our plans so that you could go have case closed diner. She told me the truth, which in itself is a big step for her, and she let me see, just a little bit, how it hurt her." He could tell that she was beyond mad, and she was trying not to show it.

"What do you mean? Who hurt Bones? What happened?" his mind was reeling. Maybe he wasn't the reason she'd been crying on her couch. The anger at whoever had hurt her was so real it took his breath away.

"You really are an idiot," she said shaking her head. "Alright, but listen close 'cause I'm only going to spell this out once." She paused. "You don't want to hurt her. No matter what you do, how much you want to move on, for yourself, you don't want to hurt her. I know that, and it is the only reason that you are still alive at this point. But just because you don't want to hurt her, it doesn't mean that you're not hurting her."His anger was shifting back towards himself and he just stayed silent and let her quietly rant at him.

"You were bringing Hannah into her life, and now Parker's life," she continued. "And then, you take them both to the _Science Museum._ Do you have any idea what that did to her? You are letting Hannah replace her in your life, in Parker's life, and she's worried that pretty soon she won't have any life because Hannah will have taken over that too." She finally stopped, satisfied with the look on his face. "Now, you know what she's been going through. Go away Seeley, before I do something I regret."

Then she walked around him and into Brennan's office to wake her. He walked on auto pilot out the doors and to his car with the notebook still under his arm. He needed to go home and have a talk with Hannah. He knew what he needed to do.


	3. Chapter 3

He couldn't put the notebook down. The whole time he drove home, he couldn't put it down. It stayed clutched in his hand. Finally pulling up to his apartment, he took a moment to settle himself. He needed to figure out exactly what he was going to say, but he knew what he was going to do.

Getting out of the car, he walked into the building to his door, turned the key and went in. She was sitting on the couch with her laptop and a glass of wine. She looked so content that he felt a little worse than he already did. He knew he was about to shatter her peace. She turned her head toward the sound of the opening door with a smile on her face. It faded and her eyes went cold when she saw his face.

"It's happening, isn't it Seeley?" she asked him with sad eyes.

"What do you mean Hannah?" Of all the possible beginnings he had imagined, he'd never come up with this one.

"You're leaving me for her, aren't you?" At his surprised look she sighed. "Don't look at me like that, Seeley. I've always known you were in love with her. Anyone who has known you for more than three seconds knows that you love her. Except for her—she doesn't know, and she knows you the best. Huh."

Booth could hardly believe his ears. It took him a moment to be able to form a coherent thought.

"Hannah, I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I love you." He held up the notebook. "But I realized that I'm hurting her, and I can't handle doing that. I'm sorry, so sorry."

"I understand. I know that you love me. I love you too, but I can't be someone's second place. I want someone who will look at me the way you look at Temperance. You two were made for each other. Thank you for all the memories Seeley. I'll never forget you, but I think it's time that I leave. I'll go back to Afghanistan. My old job hasn't been filled yet and they've been hounding me to take it back." She was very calm and not at all angry or surprised.

"Hannah, you know this isn't how I wanted this to go. I wanted us to work."

"No, you didn't. Not really." When he tried to break in she continued, "I'm not saying you knew that you didn't want it to work, I'm saying that you love her, you always have and you always will. So, no matter what happened, is happening, or will happen, you will never want to be with anyone but her. You never had a heart to give me because she already had it."

He couldn't argue with her. As much as he didn't want to hurt her, he couldn't argue. He didn't want to. It didn't kill him to see the intense hurt in her eyes the way that one tear trailing down Bones' cheek did.

"You can stay here until you have to leave," he said. "I'll stay at work."

"No, you won't. I won't allow that." For the first time, anger crept into her voice. "I've heard enough about your and Temperance's relationship to know that you won't take the opportunity you've been given. If you are going to break my heart, the least you can do is make sure it's worth it. Go to her. Find her and convince her that you love her."

"Hannah, I can't. She doesn't love me. That was why I had to try to move on. I love you and I wish that I had my whole heart to give you, but I don't; you deserve a whole heart. But no matter how much I love her, she'll never love me in return; she doesn't believe in love, she never has." Despite what he had read, he knew better than to hope. After what he had done to her, there was no chance that she still believed in love, let alone still loved him.

"Seeley," Hannah said, the anger gone from her voice, "how can you be so blind? You of all people—the one who knows her the best—should be able to see what I've seen. I have known her for less than four months and I can see it; all the people at the Jeffersonian can see it. She loves you. I know you don't believe me now, but it's true. You finally made her believe, and then you came back with me. You are right about one thing though; right now she _doesn't _believe in love, not anymore. But she did believe once, because she still loves, you just have to make her believe again. You might have to start at the beginning, but she is worth it."

Her words hit him hard, and he wondered why he hadn't been able to see it before. He now knew all that Bones had been through because of him and it amazed him that Hannah had seen all of that before he had.

"You're right," he whispered. "She is. But so are you, for someone. You deserve everything, Hannah. I hope you find that someday." He tried to convey his sincerity to her.

"I know Seeley, I know." She smiled a real smile, and he knew that she would be fine. "Go to Temperance, Seeley. That's where you belong, and that's where you want to be. I'll be gone by morning."

"Hannah, you are more than—" he began.

"No, Seeley. I have a friend from work I can stay with. I knew this would happen eventually, and I don't want to be alone tonight," she interrupted. Seeing him hesitate to leave, she said, "I'll be fine. Go to her. She's hurting and you are the only one who can help her. Make her believe again. "

"Thanks Hannah," he said. He walked over and gave her a friendly hug, then turned and walked out the door.

Getting in his car, he turned the key and began to drive.


	4. Chapter 4

He was at the Jeffersonian. He couldn't remember how he'd gotten there, but that's where he was. He saw her car in the parking lot, but that didn't mean anything.

_She went out with Angela. They must have taken her car. It would make more sense if I went and waited for her at her house. _But he knew her, and if she was still his Bones, she would be here soon. The way she had been earlier, he knew she would immerse herself in her work. _I'll just go wait for her in her office. She'll be here sooner or later._

She wasn't on the floor, she wasn't in limbo, looking at the old bones, but the light was on in her office.

_Maybe she's here already. It's only been two hours since I left. Maybe she didn't go out with Angela. _

There was a muffled clashing and thumping coming from her direction, and it answered all of his questions. Silently, he walked through the lab and over to her door. Looking through the glass he saw her. She was franticly searching her office, destroying it really. She threw papers every direction; she took drawers out of filing cabinets; she opened boxes and dumped them on the ground. He quietly opened the door and walked in.

"Bones," he said softly.

She spun around so fast—her eyes were so wide with panic—that she tipped over and landed on her side. Booth rushed to her side.

"Bones! Are you ok? What were you doing?"

"I'm fine Booth. I was just looking for…" she trailed off as her eyes rested on the notebook still clutched in his hand. "Booth," she began, her voice was hesitantly dangerous and coated with restrained anger, "where did you get that notebook? Is it yours?"

"I think it was meant for me," he answered meeting her angry eyes.

"Why do you have that, Booth?" She was so angry, he could see, that she was on the verge of losing control.

"Bones, you have to listen to me—"

"No! _You_ have to listen to _me_! How could you take something out of my office like that? How could you invade my privacy—my trust—like that?" she ranted at him.

"I think reading this notebook is the least of what I've done," he whispered.

"You _read_ it?" she asked. Her cheeks became an embarrassed, angry red. She tried to keep her perspective and her voice rational. "Booth, you were never supposed to see that. It doesn't concern you any—"

"The hell it doesn't concern me," he interrupted her. "You said that you loved me."

She went on as if he hadn't spoken, but he saw his words register in her eyes.

"—more." Now she was so angry that her hold on rational slipped, and her words became uncensored and real. "I was stupid, I know. I missed my chance. But I've decided that it was for the best. I was right; love isn't forever, you showed me that. So even though the pain is so bad that I just want to die, it'll pass. It must. You are happy; you no longer carry around the pain of loving me. So it must pass in time."

"Bones," Booth whispered his voice broken. It was one thing to read her words of pain; but hearing her, seeing first-hand the pain she was in—the pain that he had caused—it broke something inside him. He knew his pain and regret were all over his face. He wanted to tell her, but he didn't know how. She looked up at him.

"Booth, are you ok? What's wrong?" she asked, her anger momentarily forgotten in her worry for him. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have stolen and read my personal property, but I shouldn't have gotten so angry. It's really not your fault. I shouldn't have written it. I always mess things—"

"Bones," he repeated louder, cutting her off, "it doesn't go away. Ever."

"Are you trying to make me feel better Booth? Because if you are, it's not working."

Booth sighed.

"No, I'm not trying to make you feel better; I am telling you facts—the truth," he said exasperated. "That's what you rely on isn't it? So, I'm telling you that I tried to move on from this—from you—but damn it Bones, it just didn't work. I saw what you wrote. All of it. Do you really think all of that? That I left you? Do you really believe that?"

"How could I not Booth?" she asked. Her tone was dejected and her voice was breaking, but she continued, "You asked me to take a chance, but you never said what I was taking a chance on. You keep saying that I rejected you, but what did I reject? You never said it. And besides that, do you ever think I'd take a _chance_ on anything? I'm far too logical to do that, firstly, but even if I weren't too logical to take chances, do you think that I would—_could_—ever be so careless with the most important thing in my life? Is that what you think of me?" She couldn't continue because if she did, the tears would finally fall, and she couldn't let him see them. Her sudden silence confused him and it took him a moment to respond.

"Bones, I—"

"Booth," she cut in, "please, just go. I—I can't—I'm not—please go. I don't want you to see me like this. You deserve the things that I obviously can't give you. Go home to her."

A single tear slipped down her cheek and she turned her face, hoping he didn't see it. Seeing that he wasn't going to leave, she turned and walked swiftly away, leaving a miserable Booth in her wake.

He had never seen her so broken, and he doubted that he had even seen the worst of it. He hated that she was in so much pain; he hated to see her cry; he hated that she had been going through this alone; but most of all, he hated that he was the one that was hurting her.


End file.
